checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
