omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
