The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
