My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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