I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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