You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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