I'm jealous of your bromance
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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