I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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