watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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