I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize