Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Who died my cat blue again?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
