Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
