i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
