from now on my penis is your penis
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she told me i tasted like america
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
