Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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