i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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