My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
