Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
