Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
