you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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