i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Randomize
