he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
