Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
