It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
