Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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