My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
