vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
