Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize