The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
