Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
