why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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