Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
