I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
