Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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