If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
