I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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