Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize