I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
