Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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