am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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