My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you win again, gameday.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
