Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
