Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize