a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
