I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
