if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
