i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize