Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So much rum. So many feels.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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