Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
