Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Alive.
So much puke
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
