Sorry, I don't speak sober.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
