So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
