i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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