Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
