People in love make me want to vomit
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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