So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
