Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
two words...techno handjob
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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