I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you never un-have a 4some
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
