oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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