I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
