Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
