Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I am midnight drunk by noon
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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